Tyler Mark Harris

This is a message to all my close friends and family regarding my ex fiancé Tyler Mark Harris.

I am in love with him.

During the past 6 months ,after our breakup, I started going down hill at a rapid pace. Everything that I did, everything I saw, every song I listened to reminded me f my best friend if 2 years. I could not function. So, I did what every depressed 20 something does and I tried suppressing those feelings with self medicating substances. Further away from God I drifted, pushing my family on the back burner and numbing my feelings. I was a mess. My head was a mess I had no handle on my life. All I knew what when the party left and the light turn off, I was completely alone. No one. Those were the nights I missed him the most. But I told myself, I don’t need him and he doesn’t need me. Even if I did profess my love for him, he wouldn’t want me.

I never said that I missed him out loud during the 6 months we were apart, until I saw him a few Sundays back. That was when I messaged him to meet up.

He agreed to meet with a mediator also in the room.

As soon as I walked in I couldn’t help but feel every emotion. Sad. Happy. Angry. Remorseful.

I know he is my person. He is my lobster. I am so deeply, madly, hopelessly in love with Tyler Mark Harris.

And I want to let everyone who is reading this know that Tyler is an amazing person. His heart is so big, he is so incredibly giving. He would literally give someone the clothes off his back, literally I’ve seen him do it. He never hesitates to do the right thing. He walks like Christ. He truly is the epitome of a man of God. And I know that I have spoken very poorly of him in the past and I want to publicly apologize for that. I was SO FAR from perfect while we were dating, so far. There were times where I was incredibly mean and not trusting and borderline crazy.

I just pray that everyone can give him a second chance like Tyler is giving me.

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Either It’s Trying Too Hard Or Not Hard enough

This post is going to be a complete shit storm, and I apologize in advance. But VEGAN CHEESE. Im going to try to keep this post short and sweet, because The Good Lord knows that I can (and have) rant forever about my thoughts on vegan cheese.

Now, let me start by saying that I love being vegan. I love this lifestyle, it works for me, Ive never felt better. In my time of being vegan I’ve tried some really incredible vegan food and vegan alternatives. Like, vegan mayo, or vegan ranch. Both of those dairy free alternatives are 11/10. Highly recommended. But vegan cheese…not just any vegan cheese, Daiya cheese. It’s the worst. Im sorry Daiya, but your “cheese” is inedible.

Where do I even begin. The package says “melts and stretches”, but let me tell you, audience, it doesn’t do either of those things. Its a garbage product, my dog wont even eat it and he eats his own sh**. Lets not exclude the other products by Daiya, because I honestly did give them a fighting chance to redeem themselves after ruining my margarita pizza with their shredded rubber. I tried their cream cheese. Now, it is very possible to be GOOD vegan cream cheese, I know because Ive made my own in the past and it tasted great (if I do say so myself), but somehow they managed to ruin that too! The taste is so indescribable.. it taste fake… like I shouldn’t be eating it. My mouth just completely rejects it. So I was like “okay, well maybe (just maybe) their mac and cheese isn’t so bad. This was their last shot to redeem themselves, after this I was done. If they could prove to me that they can do at least one thing right, then I wouldn’t write this post. Incredible….incredible how they managed to f**k that up too.

I just want to know, who’s working in that factory, sitting in a conference room, trying all these vegan alternatives and going “yup, taste good! Send ‘er out!” Because I personally want to go up to that person and smack them. How dare they. How dare they sell that over priced rubber bullshit in stores. Seriously who “OK’s” this crap.

With all that being said, im going to link some recipes or my favorite homemade vegan cheese to save everyone from eating something thats one molecule away from being a rubber band…

Cream Cheese

Mac and cheese

White mac and cheese

Vegan Alfredo

Mindfulness

I think now more than ever Ive been super mindful of what Im doing and how it affects the things around me or within me. I do this with almost anything I do, I like to weigh out my options and how each choice might affect me in the future. And of course, the right option might always be the most fun, but in the long run it will benefit you in a positive way.  This could be as simple as what you eat to as drastic as selling your house and moving in with your parents to save money.

A constant debate I have with myself is always should I bike or should I drive. The correct answer should (always) be bike. BUT sometimes thats not always the case….unfortunately. As much as I would love to bike EVERYWHERE there are things I need to consider.

1.What is my time window?

2.Do I need to dress nice?

3. What is the weather going to be like?

Number 2 is usually what keeps me off my bike the most. (Business stuff you know?)

Music can affect you in a positive and negative way. Put good in, get good out, amiright? I try to listen to music that I know will affect my mood in a positive way. That sounds stupid and slightly narcissistic. But I can tell how my mood can shift if I listen to DMX or if I listen to The Lumineers. Two completely different Lydia’s. I like The Lumineers Lydia better.

Everyone has free will and everyone is given a choice. sometimes they’re given 3 choices and which ever you choose can effect you in the moment or in the long run. For instance, we can choose to ask “no straw” or ask for a straw. Neither one of these options will  impact you in the moment but rather maybe 10 years down the road when our oceans are pumped with over 14 billion pounds of garbage (most of it being plastic). So, be mindful and ask no straw…or bring your own reusable straw if your that adamant about using a fricken straw. Just think about who your hurting when you ask for one. BE MINDFUL.

I can go on forever about this topic, but Im working on keeping my blog post short and sweet, knowing we live in a fast pace world and not everyone has 20 mins to sit down and read… which I hate, but that a topic for a whole different post. So we’ll finish this with one more mindful topic. Think about your life. Think about your “extracurricular” (as my mom would call it). How do these things benefit you? If something doesn’t benefit you in a positive way, then why continue doing it? If that group of people make you feel like shit, then why hang around them? If you hate getting hangovers, then don’t drink.  Easy as that! Like I said the right choice might always be the most fun BUT its the choice that will be more beneficial in the future.

I’d like to dedicate this post to:

Jan Alvey (@jmalvey)

Larry Waldburger (@larryjaywaldburger)

Developing, Living, Healing; Eating Disorder

I think my poor body image started back in middle school..thats when I really started to compare myself to other girls. Thats when groups started breaking apart and started becoming “cliques”. I so desperately wanted to be in the in crowed. You know, the pretty skinny girls, that played softball, and had long hair. This continued into high school, but I didn’t care in high school..well not AS MUCH. I still wanted to be cool, but I cut my losses because I knew that it would never happen. Then I graduated.. and I was sent out into the real world and I saw all these things on how a woman should look and act, I was a victim to society. Looking at woman in hollywood and wondering at what cost would it take to look like that. Looking at girls on Pinterst and wondering how can I achieve a thigh gap like that. So, I started woking out, that worked to extent. Then I started changing my diet, again that wasn’t enough.  So, I went to two extremes. I started working out for 2 hours a day, running 3 miles, biking 4, burning more calories than I was taking in. I monitored my calorie intake very very closely, I would never go over 550 cal, that was my max.

Then next thing I knew, I went from wearing a medium shirt to a small and from a size 4 jean to a 0-00 jean. But my weight wasn’t the only thing that changed. My nails were brittle and yellow, my skin was depleted, my hair was thin, and I was constantly cold and tired. When people started noticing and commenting on my drastic weight loss I took it as a complement even if they weren’t necessarily compliments. Like, one friend of mine, said that I looked like a baby squirrel that hasn’t eaten all winter. I know. But comments like that are what kept me going. I thought I was being healthy, micromanaging my life. But is that any way to live? Being a prisoner in your own body, Being a prisoner to your mind. As much as I so strongly believed that I did have a good handle on my life, It was out of control. I wasn’t happier that I was skinny, I was miserable. News flash; Happy does NOT equal skinny.

Thus beginning the healing process. Let me tell you, it was a long road ahead of me. I just want to say If you are struggling with body image, or depression, or PTSD, getting a counselor is not a bad thing! They are there to help you, and not judge. Giving you tools that you need to be a better person. Just talking to someone about what your going through can even help. Over coming an eating disorder is not by any means easy. I don’t care what anyone says having an eating disorder is a mental illness and we need to treat is as such. Over coming this mental illness, was a lot of me telling myself its “okay”. Its okay to have seconds if your still hungry. Its okay to have a snack if your hungry mid day. Its okay to grab dinner with your friends. ITS OKAY. It was also a lot of me standing in my mirror telling myself that I am worthy, and I am stronger than my depression. I am beautiful.

If you are going through the same thing as me or if no one has told you this yet today; you are beautiful. You are worthy. YOU ARE DAMN STRONG. You are better than what your mind is telling you. You were made perfect. You are PERFECT. 

Fast Fashion

Fast fashion is everywhere. It’s in your facebook ads, instagram, twitter, pinterest, even that person next to you with the Adidas crewneck on. We live in a society where all we want is to belong, We need to wear the latest trends, what’s going to get us noticed, what’s going to make people think “that person is   cool”.   Fashion companies want you to buy their stuff, then want you to think that the next day you’re already out of trend. Doing think by creating 50+ seasons of clothes a year. Have you ever went into a store and thought “they dont have the shirt I want…I’ll come back next week, they’ll probably have it then”. FAST FASHION. When my grandma was my age, even my mom, they bought clothes for 2 season, maybe when just when it’s cold and when it’s warm. Nowadays, consumers will spend on average $75-$85 a month. That’s $900-$1,020 a year!

Instead of investing our money into good jacket, we go out and buy 5 low quality jackets. That goes for everything we buy, shirts, yoga pants, jeans. When you buy something you get what you paid for. If you buy a jacket that was European or American made and you spend close to $200 for it you know it’s going to be made with quality fabric, the stitching is going to be durable, and it will keep you warm. If you were to buy a $30 jacket that was made in Indonesia, China, or Japan you’re most like likely  going to have to replace it in a year or less because the fabric will be thin, the stitching will be loose, and there will be less insulation in it so it will not keep you warm.

One of the biggest problems with fast fashion is where the clothes are coming from. Im not talking about the counties, i’m talking about the factories producing the clothes. There are girls and girls sitting over a sewing machine making $.13/h for 16 hours a for a shirt you bought for $20.  You can pay for their freedom by not paying for a shirt.

Now what? How can we help/stop?

Start by detoxing your self from fashion retailers for 3 months.

Find a selection of retailers with “slower” fashion (list below).

Know who is making your clothes and where they are coming from.

Become better at budgeting, because chances are you don’t need four of the same sweaters.

Donate. https://www.facebook.com/fashionrevolution.org/?hc_ref=ARSDcRCWD8-vxYpolI9-rpaBRFNs9gDSKntEqy-_QVBDZIvlvPKWlOh4v_uklRpv9zo&pnref=story

Slow fashion retailers

Patagonia

Eileen Fisher

Kowtow

United By Blue

Blue Canoe

Alternative Apparel

Brook There

Synergy

DAZEY L.A.

 

 

 

 

 

Emptiness

Growing up we I don’t really remember my parents being hoarders. I think thats because it was cool to have “things”.  I do remember going to school and bragging about how many cars “we” (my parents) have, or how many clothes we have. As I go older i started noticing the accumulation of stuff we had. There was a walk in closet in our basement, you used to be able to actually walk into it, before we moved it was at the point where you couldn’t even shut the door. Whenever I tried to throw things away or get rid of the clutter inside of my room, my dad would go through my trash and tell me what I can and can not get rid of.

In the summer of 2018 we lost or house. That was a huge wake up call for all of us.  What was an even bigger wake up call was when  we had to move from a 6 bedroom, 4 bedroom to a 4 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. We have accumulated so much shit over the past years, where were we going to put it all?! That’s when something sparked in me. Ive had enough of living in a constant chaos. The constant stress, and anxiety those “things” gave me.  I made well over 10 trips to Goodwill, stuffing my car to the brim with clothes and knick-knacks. I got rid of things that I thought were important to me, but now looking back I couldn’t even tell you what those things were because they are not important anymore.

Earlier this week I was talking to my friends over a cup of hot coffee and we were talking about Netflix. Aaron turned to me and asked if I liked documentaries. Well, of course I do, what film student doesn’t like documentaries? He told me that I should watch “Minimalism”. The documentary is about these two lifelong friends who climbed their way up the corporate ladder, they had everything they could ever want but they still weren’t happy. They realized that buying stuff wasn’t going to make them happy. That sounds familiar… “money can’t buy you happiness”. BUT IT’S TRUE! They were trying to fill the void with in them with stuff. We’ve all done it. Ever gone ‘sad shopping’? Im guilty.

“If I get this shirt I’ll be happy.”

“If I got a new car I’ll be happy.”

“If I buy this new phone, ill be happy.”

Unfortunately, That’s not true. There is such beauty in simplicity. It’s so freeing to have nothing.  

A year and a half later , Ive gotten rid of about 90% of my belongings. Sleeping is easier, morning are more efficient, not to mention all the money I’ve saved.  When I say that Ive gotten rid of 90% of my things people ask how. The way I do it is I ask myself a few questions.

Does it make me happy?

Did I know I had it?

When was the last time I used it?

Is it serving an essential purpose?

Answering those question usually helps me decide whether to huck it or keep it. The most important question out of all of those is “Does it make me happy?”. Why keep it if it doesn’t make me happy. I kept all my mugs because they make me happy, and that’s okay.  It’s okay to have stuff, its when we idolize materialistic things is when It becomes dangerous.

Donald Trump is not killing us, we are killing ourselves

1/20/17

What a day… now I not here to shove any beliefs down anyone throat, trust me, I don’t want that. I just want to make sense in a world that makes zero sense. Now, the chances that anyone is going to read this blog in 1 in a million, but for the q that may read this I hope that I can change your heart.

Donald J Trump is now our 45th President of the United States. Exciting. No? you don’t think so? Why, because he’s going to ruin America? While I was in Chicago, 4 people were shot and killed during the inauguration. Down in DC a limo was set on fire, and 217 people were arrested. Rioters were smashing windows at business. The anarchy symbol was spray painted around the city. One man, named Dave Lawler, was ordered to get underneath his table at Starbucks because protesters were taking bats to smash windows, and throwing bricks into the coffee shop. But yet, Donald Trump going to ruin America. I just want to know the logic behind America’s temper tantrum. I love seeing stand up for what they believe in, I think it’s great that we are granted the power of freedom of speech, but completely ruining a city because you don’t like our elected president is completely abusing this gift that we have been given.

Donald Trump is not killing us, we are killing ourselves.

It breaks my heart seeing how easily we turned on each other.This is not the time to turn our backs on one another, we need to unite and stand. We can’t the the “idea” of Donald Trump bring us down. He literally has done nothing while he came into office and we are already losing our shit. HE IS our new president and he can do a lot of things, but he will NOT take our freedom away.