Developing, Living, Healing; Eating Disorder

I think my poor body image started back in middle school..thats when I really started to compare myself to other girls. Thats when groups started breaking apart and started becoming “cliques”. I so desperately wanted to be in the in crowed. You know, the pretty skinny girls, that played softball, and had long hair. This continued into high school, but I didn’t care in high school..well not AS MUCH. I still wanted to be cool, but I cut my losses because I knew that it would never happen. Then I graduated.. and I was sent out into the real world and I saw all these things on how a woman should look and act, I was a victim to society. Looking at woman in hollywood and wondering at what cost would it take to look like that. Looking at girls on Pinterst and wondering how can I achieve a thigh gap like that. So, I started woking out, that worked to extent. Then I started changing my diet, again that wasn’t enough.  So, I went to two extremes. I started working out for 2 hours a day, running 3 miles, biking 4, burning more calories than I was taking in. I monitored my calorie intake very very closely, I would never go over 550 cal, that was my max.

Then next thing I knew, I went from wearing a medium shirt to a small and from a size 4 jean to a 0-00 jean. But my weight wasn’t the only thing that changed. My nails were brittle and yellow, my skin was depleted, my hair was thin, and I was constantly cold and tired. When people started noticing and commenting on my drastic weight loss I took it as a complement even if they weren’t necessarily compliments. Like, one friend of mine, said that I looked like a baby squirrel that hasn’t eaten all winter. I know. But comments like that are what kept me going. I thought I was being healthy, micromanaging my life. But is that any way to live? Being a prisoner in your own body, Being a prisoner to your mind. As much as I so strongly believed that I did have a good handle on my life, It was out of control. I wasn’t happier that I was skinny, I was miserable. News flash; Happy does NOT equal skinny.

Thus beginning the healing process. Let me tell you, it was a long road ahead of me. I just want to say If you are struggling with body image, or depression, or PTSD, getting a counselor is not a bad thing! They are there to help you, and not judge. Giving you tools that you need to be a better person. Just talking to someone about what your going through can even help. Over coming an eating disorder is not by any means easy. I don’t care what anyone says having an eating disorder is a mental illness and we need to treat is as such. Over coming this mental illness, was a lot of me telling myself its “okay”. Its okay to have seconds if your still hungry. Its okay to have a snack if your hungry mid day. Its okay to grab dinner with your friends. ITS OKAY. It was also a lot of me standing in my mirror telling myself that I am worthy, and I am stronger than my depression. I am beautiful.

If you are going through the same thing as me or if no one has told you this yet today; you are beautiful. You are worthy. YOU ARE DAMN STRONG. You are better than what your mind is telling you. You were made perfect. You are PERFECT. 


Published by coffee.plants.ect

22 minimalism coffee

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: