I think my poor body image started back in middle school..thats when I really started to compare myself to other girls. Thats when groups started breaking apart and started becoming “cliques”. I so desperately wanted to be in the in crowed. You know, the pretty skinny girls, that played softball, and had long hair. This continued into high school, but I didn’t care in high school..well not AS MUCH. I still wanted to be cool, but I cut my losses because I knew that it would never happen. Then I graduated.. and I was sent out into the real world and I saw all these things on how a woman should look and act, I was a victim to society. Looking at woman in hollywood and wondering at what cost would it take to look like that. Looking at girls on Pinterst and wondering how can I achieve a thigh gap like that. So, I started woking out, that worked to extent. Then I started changing my diet, again that wasn’t enough. So, I went to two extremes. I started working out for 2 hours a day, running 3 miles, biking 4, burning more calories than I was taking in. I monitored my calorie intake very very closely, I would never go over 550 cal, that was my max.
Then next thing I knew, I went from wearing a medium shirt to a small and from a size 4 jean to a 0-00 jean. But my weight wasn’t the only thing that changed. My nails were brittle and yellow, my skin was depleted, my hair was thin, and I was constantly cold and tired. When people started noticing and commenting on my drastic weight loss I took it as a complement even if they weren’t necessarily compliments. Like, one friend of mine, said that I looked like a baby squirrel that hasn’t eaten all winter. I know. But comments like that are what kept me going. I thought I was being healthy, micromanaging my life. But is that any way to live? Being a prisoner in your own body, Being a prisoner to your mind. As much as I so strongly believed that I did have a good handle on my life, It was out of control. I wasn’t happier that I was skinny, I was miserable. News flash; Happy does NOT equal skinny.
Thus beginning the healing process. Let me tell you, it was a long road ahead of me. I just want to say If you are struggling with body image, or depression, or PTSD, getting a counselor is not a bad thing! They are there to help you, and not judge. Giving you tools that you need to be a better person. Just talking to someone about what your going through can even help. Over coming an eating disorder is not by any means easy. I don’t care what anyone says having an eating disorder is a mental illness and we need to treat is as such. Over coming this mental illness, was a lot of me telling myself its “okay”. Its okay to have seconds if your still hungry. Its okay to have a snack if your hungry mid day. Its okay to grab dinner with your friends. ITS OKAY. It was also a lot of me standing in my mirror telling myself that I am worthy, and I am stronger than my depression. I am beautiful.
If you are going through the same thing as me or if no one has told you this yet today; you are beautiful. You are worthy. YOU ARE DAMN STRONG. You are better than what your mind is telling you. You were made perfect. You are PERFECT.